My computer died. Yeah, my hard drive pixies scattered the contents of the disc to the five winds. This rates somewhat lower on the mildness scale than the other things going on in my life.
I sugar binged today, to make myself feel better. Everyone knew what I had done, there was no pretending. But I'm glad I did it, it's been awhile.
I've identified that one of the scariest and most profound feelings one can have is when you realize that everyone you've ever counted on to 'fix' things, and just make everything instantly better, is just as vulnerable as you, if not more so. When you realize you're on your own, and no one but you can do anything about anything, and you're not even sure what you can do.
Man is that LAME. I really just want a reset button, so I can take everything I've learned and use it to do things right. The sad thing is, when I'm seventy, I'll be sitting here updating this (If the trend continues, there will be only about two or three posts between this one and that one.) saying "Well dadgum, I reckon I really wish I would have done this or that when I was 26."
Lame.
I am so dissatisfied with everything in my life. I know so much more about life than I did when I was in high school, a time when I actually could have put all of this knowledge to use. Now about all the good it seems to do me is to enable me to have fully formed, well thought-out, and justified regrets.
My biggest failing is that I'm a planner. I want to plan things out and make informed decisions based on the information I have gathered. Surprise! That doesn't work in life, because you never, never know what's going to happen next. Every choice needs to be made from a "How will this affect me long-term?" perspective.
BUT HOW can I do that when I don't know how many limbs I'm going to end up losing from tomorrow's run-in with the immigrant worker who fell asleep at the wheel of his ride-on lawnmower? Two limbs? Four limbs? SIX limbs? Maybe, I don't know! Everything is so unpredictable that I just might wake up with that extra pair of arms I've always wanted.
I can't just wing it, and hope what I'm doing will make my life turn out the way I want it to. I mean, some decisions I can make with no hesitation or thought, like, do I dive behind cover, or charge headlong into the bunker and club my enemies with the butt of my gun and risk banishment from the paintball field, and possibly being charged with assault with a deadly weapon? My instinct or intuition or whatever you want to call it seems to be defective when it comes to decisions that matter.
So I end up thinking large thoughts that never go anywhere. I survive, I maintain, but I never really improve anything.
I could be great if I could just do it all over again, knowing what I now know. What a depressing, worthless thought, the kind that has no positive effect, but lingers interminably.
What a waste of everything I've been given. I feel like I owe an apology to every SIDS baby, every mentally retarded person, everyone born into poverty or communism, every aborted fetus that would have someday cured cancer or ended world hunger or made Beethoven look like a chump, EVERY SINGLE freaking person that got a bum deal in life through no fault of their own.
I was given everything, and I've produced nothing.
Sorry, guys.
I've been typing for far too long now, and I haven't really said anything. There's a reason I don't ever update. So, </emopoetry>.Current Mood: antidisestablishmentarianist Current Music: My cacophonic thoughts |
I haven't posted anything of value in probably like a year or something. Let's see if I can try and sum it up. Overall I feel happy, with an underlying vein of nagging depression. I guess I can even break it down for you further and be super-specific!
Reasons that I am happy:
I love my girlfriend. She is pretty awesome and I enjoy spending time with her. Also, she loves me, which is also pretty sweet. I'm really thankful for her. Mwuah. That was for her, not for the rest of you.
I don't hate my family. In fact, I get along really well with all of them these days, even my brother, who can be a tremendous stinker, and a self-absorbed punk of incalculable dimensions at times. Also, none of the ones I know of are in prison. Cool!
My cats are cool, and are, well, hilarious. I wish the kitten would calm her life down and stop biting sleeping noses and chins, though.
The best Chinese food ever is one block away. It is delicious, and the people there are so cool. Plus, it's reasonably priced.
Reasons I am wearing all black and cutting myself. Also, my floppy hair obscures my face:
I hate my job. Seriously, it is so boring, and the pay is lousy. I want to work somewhere else immediately. While sitting at a computer and thinking about ways to flush your own head down the toilet might sound fun to some of you, it is not my idea of a thick, juicy, prime cut of entertainment. Someone please find me a new job. The worst part is that I have really missed working at Gamestop lately. What the crap.
I accidentally moved to Mesa. Seriously, I don't know what we were thinking when we moved here. It makes me cry. Oh well, at least I'm close to the 202. That's good news. (I was really desperate for an upside.)
I haven't seen like a million of my friends since the dawn of time. If you are my friend, and I haven't seen you in like 3 months, (Especially if we haven't even talked!) this is about you. I don't even know how to get ahold of some of you anymore. Super depressing. I guess part of this is because:
My school schedule is the worst. I have classes every single day, early in the morning. Then I go to work. It is dumb. At least this problem will automatically solve itself come winter. Of course, the reason it's like this in the first place is because I didn't register until the last minute, since I didn't know if I'd be able to pay for it or not. This is because:
I have no money! Okay, very little. My school schedule and terrible job, plus inopportune periods of unemployment have conspired to make this a reality. alsowemadesomepoorfinancialdecisions. Hopefully, now that both of us have jobs,(At the same time, even!) this problem will correct itself sooner than later.
So there you have it. I don't like it, you don't have to like it, but that's how things currently are! Also, the onion is still doing fine.
This concludes my State of the Onion address. (ugh)
Until next year, have a happy birthday!Current Mood:  Tickle Me Elmo Current Music: Terrible |
Lost is a television program. It is very good. I have now completed Season 1. It makes me want to cry because it is so good. My mommy says it is unwholesome and bad, but she watches as much as me. The End.
By Billy, age 7Current Mood:  Homework! |
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Aug. 12th, 2006 @ 12:52 am
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Dear World-
I have taken over John's mind and body... and computer.
For now on everything he says that I don't is a complete and utter lie.
And fact: he is not always as right as he wants to be.
Love, the new and improved only $9.99 a month, John. |
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I don't know what to say.
http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/teenagemutantninjaturtles/
Oh, right, I DO know what to say.
EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!
Jul. 21st, 2006 @ 03:49 pm
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| » You are fat. |
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Don't try and deny it, and don't feel bad that I'm pointing it out.
Face facts.
Jul. 11th, 2006 @ 02:08 pm
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| » Please don't read this post. |
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Hey, Dude. Life is odd. You're young, you think you know how the world works, what's expected of you, what's expected of everyone. It's okay. It makes sense, everything makes sense. You'll grow up, fit into the groove that everyone slides effortlessly into, click! and that's that. It's all so simple, we have such a great system in place, wow, thanks, society, for creating it. Everything's going to be fine.
Yeah, great, and then you grow up.
You get freaking old. So old, you're practically a relic; archaeologists are poking and examining you. 18, 19, 20.. 25? Might as well have a long, white beard down to your knees. Old. Grandpa. You're old, and guess what? You were wrong. Nothing is anything like you were expecting it to be, it doesn't even bear a passing resemblance to how things are SUPPOSED to be! Everything was supposed to work a certain way! That's what you expected! It was practically promised to you! Why, why did nobody tell you the truth? Was a few years of blissful ignorance worth the sudden, planet-vaporizing impact of the rocket-propelled steamroller called reality?
Sudden, harsh reality! Wham! Hi, my name is Reality, and guess what? That picture you saw of me was several years old, and I've put on some weight since then. And developed leprosy. Also, I'm racist.
So there you are at the restaurant, uncomfortably poking at your spaghetti in an attempt to disguise how unbelievably awkward it is to be sitting at the same table as it tries to make conversation. Disgusting. Maybe you could excuse yourself to the restroom and sneak out the window. And you're still old!
So maybe reality is actually nothing like a blind date with a fat guy who has a degenerative disease. However, it's also certainly nothing like it seemed in the brochure.
Nobody you meet has a clue. Everyone is a liar. That delicious Chinese restaurant is closed on Mondays for absolutely NO REASON. What gives? You are so absolutely disappointed in reality. You throw up your hands in disgust, but you know you can't get a refund. You're even older than the last time you realized how old you were, and you are now consistently tripping over your caricaturesquely (I just invented a new word!) long beard. Small children tug on it to see if it's real.
Everything's a mess. It's all a shambles. You're so sad! Wah! Poor me! People you don't know wish to cause you harm! People you do know drown you in apathy! People you care about suspect you of ulterior motives.
You are the enemy.
Everything is horrible. Worse than ever before. And it doesn't matter.
Now you know the truth. And it doesn't matter!
Not everything is bad. Some things still aren't what you ever expected to want, but you want them anyway. That's okay. You have new expectations of reality. Cynical, pessimistic expectations, which you will now defy with your whole self, struggling and flailing with utmost contempt at your dark fate. You escape out the window, and key reality's car as you leave the parking lot!
It's all going to be okay. Whether you're here for ten more seconds or ten more centuries, you're going to try your hardest to circumnavigate the obstacles bred from your doubt. You can succeed. If not, well, how worse off are you than if you didn't even try?
Fear is still present, but it's just a mechanism to remind you of the goals you have yet to attain. Thanks for the friendly reminder, Fear!
It really is going to be okay. It's important to be reminded of past doubts to preclude the creation of newer, more powerful ones.
Don't worry. I mean it. No, seriously, stop right now. You know that I can handle everything that life throws at you. And you're not afraid.
Also, you should really stop talking to yourself so much.
Jun. 22nd, 2006 @ 02:58 am
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| » I'm moving again. |
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I'm moving to Mesa with my girlfriend at the beginning of July. Already have the apartment picked out and everything. Yes, I am completely aware that I have been incredibly good at keeping everyone in the loop in this regard.
I love you all.
May. 30th, 2006 @ 12:18 pm
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| » NO! |
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No cat, why!? Why would you do such a thing!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!? People, look at this timestamp. I've been awake for an hour, because I was BETRAYED BY SOMEONE WHO I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND! I am awake, but I should still as of yet be passed out!
My Denver trip was completely like a framework of parallel or latticed bars for blocking an opening!
Even so, I accidentally left something there that I can't be without for very long. I think in a couple of weeks, I'm going to have to go back, and this time remember to bring it home with me.
May. 23rd, 2006 @ 07:11 am
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caffeen's journal